Kara Stands Still
by TamSibling
Summary: A reimagining of some key moments in Lee and Kara's relationship and how things might have been different if Kara hadn't run, but had chosen to stand still.
1. Colonial Day

Series: Kara Stands Still

Part 1: Colonial Day

Pairing: Lee/Kara

Rating: (mild) PG-13

Spoilers: Everything up to "Colonial Day"

Disclaimer: It's not mine, it's Ron's. Even though after the finale I don't think he deserves it.

Summary: A different ending for Kara and Lee on Colonial Day.

A/N: Hi all! It's been a while since I've shared a fic, but this little series would not leave me alone. Some of you may remember my "Lee Steps Up" fic series; a series that detailed four different moments in Lee and Kara's relationship (one from each season) where things could have been radically different for them if Lee had just stepped up to the plate.

Well, similar to Lee's willingness to back down, Kara has a tendency to run away. So, I decided to give Kara her very own series. "Kara Stands Still" will again outline four different moments in their relationship (again, one from each season) and see how things might have changed if Kara had not run, but simply stood her ground.

My original intention was to cover four different moments than the moments in LSU, but no other season 1 moment resonates with me as much as the frakked up-edness that is "Colonial Day." It's tough to be a shipper … So, all the moments in the KSS series will coincide with the moments from the LSU series.

However, I just want to stress this is NOT a POV switch fic. I'm not retelling the same scene from a different characters point of view. Just reimagining these moments once again.

With all that said, I certainly hope you enjoy. And comments would be great, because I agonized over this one for a while and I'm a little nervous about the next (which is a different take on "Scar.")

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It would have been so easy to let Baltar take her to bed. Kara knew she was already drunk enough that her internal inhibitors, which were pretty diminished to start with, were all but non-existent.

But as Baltar groped her ass again, having managed to get her back pressed against a wall in a secluded corner, she caught sight over his shoulder of Lee frakkin' Adama. Her eyes tracked Lee as he moved about the room. She ignored the relentless sucking of Baltar's lips on her neck and watched as Lee circled the dance floor.

She could swear he was looking for somebody. She fought down the small thrill that shot up her spine at the thought he might be looking for her.

"Oh, Captain," Baltar teased, his ambrosia-laced breath sticky against her skin. "I do believe you're not paying attention."

Kara watched Lee take one more look around the room and then, with a sigh of defeat, head for the exit. And she suddenly wanted to kill him.

Glancing to Baltar with the sweetest smile she had, she pushed away from him gently and cooed, "You finally noticed, huh?"

Blinking at her dumbfounded, Baltar stood there as Kara gave him a wink and then turned on her heel, trailing after Lee, her rage building as she stormed into the hall and found him walking slowly toward the hangar deck.

"Apollo!" Kara wasn't even sure what she was going to say; she wasn't even sure why she was so mad.

But as Lee turned to her, his eyes sparking for a second with something she thought might be happiness, she knew exactly why she was so angry.

She reached him in two more long steps and swung her right fist at him, connecting solidly with his jaw. Her knuckles immediately ached with the impact, but she didn't care. Bastard deserved it.

"Gods, Kara!" Lee shouted, hand flying to his jaw as he ducked in case she swung again. "What the hell was that for?"

"You are the biggest kind of coward, Lee Adama," she told him, shaking out her hand once. Frak, that man had a thick skull—in more ways than one.

Straightening, he turned those ridiculously blue eyes back to her, hand still rubbing at his jaw as he stared. She could tell he was mad about the punch, but probably more pissed that he hadn't seen it coming. She'd certainly hit him harder than that before.

"Kara." He worked his jaw around and then took a step toward her. She tensed, waiting for him to retaliate, but instead, he kept his hands to his sides and asked, "What are you talking about?"

A peal of laughter interrupted her response. Glancing quickly over her shoulder, she caught sight of a few decidedly drunk knuckledraggers staggering into the hallway. Not interested in an audience, Kara grabbed Lee's arm and pulled him down the corridor until she found a smaller, empty meeting room. Closing the door, she turned to him, arms crossed over her chest and glared. "You really don't know, do you?"

The completely stricken look on his face might have been funny under any other circumstance, but Kara wasn't laughing. She had not gone to the trouble of finding a dress, shaving her legs, doing her hair and putting on makeup so Lee could pawn her off on the first guy who asked.

Adrenaline still coursing through her as her anger bubbled to the surface again, Kara advanced on him, poking a hard finger into his chest and backing him up a step at a time across the room.

"You are a coward, Lee. You're so scared of dealing with me as anything other than a pilot that the first chance you get, you run." His back hit the wall and Kara saw a flash of panic in his eyes as he realized he was cornered. That made her smile. "Well, guess what, Lee? I didn't get dressed up like this to get ignored."

Closing the gap between them, she pressed her lips hard to his. It was almost bruising as she crushed their mouths together, wrapping one hand around the back of his neck so he wouldn't even think of moving.

She'd wanted to do this for such a long time she almost couldn't believe she finally was. But the reality paled next to the dozen or so fantasies she'd had about this moment. Lee wasn't responding. His mouth was unyielding beneath hers.

Pulling away, she took a step back, swallowing hard and vowing she would not let him see how much his unresponsiveness hurt her. Kara certainly wasn't going to throw herself at him. She had really thought … no, frak it. She'd obviously been wrong.

"Right." She muttered, wiping her hand across her lips. She could barely look at him, could only see him breathing heavily out of the corner of her eye, one hand gripping the wall while the other hovered in the air before him. Risking a look right at him, Kara met his eyes and felt the lump of emotion she wanted to fight rising again. She wasn't going to hold it back much longer.

Turning, she headed for the door. "See ya around, Apollo."

Hand on the knob, she glanced down to be sure her dress was in place. Satisfied that no one would have any idea how stupid she'd just been, Kara straightened and bit down on the inside of her cheek, calling on every ounce of Starbuck bravado she owned.

Convinced that she could at least keep it together until she reached Galactica and her bunk, she let out a deep sigh, ready to leave, when she felt the warm, firm grip of Lee's hand around hers. She stiffened as she felt the heat of him crawl up her spine. He pressed into her from behind, his other arm, wrapping around her waist as his lips made their way to her ear. "I didn't mean to ignore you," he whispered, lips grazing her ear lobe. Kara shivered, certain her legs would give out if he didn't take his hands off her.

The problem was she couldn't stand the thought of him letting go.

"Lee," she warned, refusing to lean back against him; refusing to give in after the way he'd treated her so far. "What are you doing?"

"You kissed me first, Kara," he teased, slowly turning her to face him, encircling both arms around her waist and bringing their hips together. Kara bit her lip to fight another shiver as it raced over her skin. "It's only fair that I return the favor."

"You don't have to—" Her statement was cut off as Lee kissed her, his lips almost tender as they moved over hers. She felt herself sinking into the warmth of his mouth, into the heat of his body and the sensual feel of his tongue as it gently probed her mouth and then entered, finding hers and starting a slow dance she hadn't expected.

He cradled her head in his hand, tilting it slightly to get a better angle and Kara felt consumed. She almost grabbed onto his shoulders to anchor herself, but resisted the urge, arms hanging out to her sides as she tried to convince herself this was just a normal kiss.

She almost laughed. This was her and Lee and nothing was ever normal.

He pulled back, breathing hard again, lips red and swollen and Kara knew she looked much the same. His arms returned to her waist and he leaned away slightly to get a good look at her. Then, he smirked. "Well, Starbuck, is that enough attention for you?"

She wished she had the perfect retort, but the truth was, she didn't. All she could think was that Lee had just kissed her to within an inch of her life and he was still standing there, holding her.

"Lee, I—"

"I'm sorry, Kara," he said, interrupting her softly. Stunned by the apology, she looked to him, an obvious question in her eyes as he explained, "I'm sorry. About before, about leaving you with Baltar. I shouldn't have." He leaned forward and brushed a kiss to her cheek before pulling her tight to him. "I didn't want to."

Kara still refused to return his embrace, but she let him hold her close. She worried that if he let go, she'd fall. "Then why did you?"

"Because you were right."

Okay, she couldn't let that slide. Leaning back, she cocked an eyebrow at him and felt her lips turn up in a smirk. "Wow, first you apologize and now you admit that I was right? Did somebody drug your ambrosia, Adama?"

He returned her smile, making Kara's stomach clench with desire as the expression went straight through her body. Gods, that smile, it was more than devastating—especially when directed at her.

"I left you with Baltar because I was frakkin' scared," he finally admitted in a sigh, pressing his forehead against hers. "You look amazing tonight, Kara."

She suddenly found her throat dry and had problems getting out words. "Thanks," she managed, eyes still locked on Lee's as he began slowly swaying them around the room in a gentle dance that didn't need music. Worried she'd lose her balance, her arms automatically wound around his neck, pulling them tighter, bringing them into contact from shoulder to thigh. Kara was beginning to feel lightheaded again.

"You look amazing and the only stupid thing I could say was about your knees," he added with a slight chuckle. "And then, when we danced, I just—" He broke off abruptly and Kara stopped their movement, ducking a bit so she could catch sight of his eyes, a little surprised by the depth of emotion she saw.

"Lee?" One of Kara's hands traveled up his neck and she gently stroked the hair at his nape, watching as his eyes fell shut with a sigh at the touch. She knew he loved it, had discovered it once after a particularly trying day when he'd been trying to sleep and couldn't.

As she watched him try to get out whatever it was he wanted to say, she wondered now at the brilliance of her decision. Maybe this wasn't the right thing for them. Maybe confronting Lee about the flirting and the innuendo and the rest of it had been the wrong choice. She wished her heart didn't feel broken at the mere thought.

"I've wanted you like this since you crawled out from under that Viper and shook my hand," he finally admitted. "No, before, when I saw you in the brig that day. Or maybe before that, when—"

She didn't want him to finish that statement. It would open old, deep wounds that neither of them was prepared to deal with, at least not right this minute. So, she pressed her lips back to his and this time didn't hold back at all. She pulled herself flush against him and opened her mouth under his immediately, delighting in the touch of his tongue against hers, at the ability to breathe him in, at the feel of sinking into him.

He was consuming her again and she didn't care. It was impossible for Kara to tell where he ended and she began and she liked it. She no longer doubted her actions; the passion with which Lee was kissing her back told her she hadn't misread his signals. He'd just been too hesitant to act on them.

She supposed it was a good thing she wasn't a hesitant kind of girl.

They kept kissing and Kara lost all sense of time. Soon, she felt the cool hardness of the wall at her back and she squirmed slightly at the chill. In seconds, Lee had her so hot, she worried she might break into a sweat.

As he moved his lips from her mouth and down her throat, Kara let her head fall back against the wall. It was hard to form a thought when his mouth was doing such delicious things to her skin and her whole body pulsed with need for him, but she didn't think a quick frak in an abandoned room was Lee Adama's style. And the last thing Kara could afford to do was lose his respect.

No matter how much they wanted to do this, she wasn't going to let either of them be ashamed about it.

Lee's tongue traced her skin along the edge of one of the straps on her chest and Kara's body surged against his. She felt his smile against her skin as he placed a line of kisses there and then slowly worked his way back to her mouth. As his lips descended on hers again, Kara used every ounce of will power she possessed to turn her head slightly to the side, getting his lips on her jaw.

"Lee."

It came out sounding far more needy then she intended and Lee grabbed tightly at her waist, grinding his very aroused groin against her and making it almost impossible to think of anything else beside Lee getting the frak in her right now. Taking a deep breath, she managed to say again, "Lee. Lee, wait."

The forlorn look that greeted her forced Kara to kiss him again and it was minutes before she could break away. Breathing hard, foreheads pressed together, Lee caressed her face, the backs of his fingers trailing down her cheeks as she rested her hands on his chest. "What is it, Kara?" he asked softly. "I thought … with the dress and the kiss …"

"Lee, what is this?" Kara Thrace was not a girl who talked much about relationships. Since Zak, her relationships consisted mostly of warm showers and a few hot thoughts, or the occasional nameless, faceless enlisted. She had given up on puppies and roses and bright, shiny futures the day she'd watched them put her fiancé in the ground.

But the day she'd looked up in the brig and seen Lee Adama leaning against the bars, smiling and teasing her, she had a flash of bright future once again. And since their worlds had ended—since everything she had ever known had been blown sky high—she had found herself looking forward to the rest of her life.

As long as Lee was there.

He frowned at the question, leaning back to meet her eyes. He must have seen something, because instead of a flip answer about the birds and the bees, he asked quietly, "What do you want?"

She closed her eyes and sighed, not sure she could answer that honestly. It would mean laying her heart bear in front of the one man left in the universe who could crush it with a word. Even the Old Man's opinion didn't hold as much sway over her as Lee's.

"Lee." Kara sighed. She met his eyes briefly and had to step away. She couldn't do this surrounded by him and his touch. "Lee, I don't … I don't what to frak this up."

He was only a handful of steps from her, but it felt like miles and Kara shivered as the room suddenly felt cold. Lee looked incredibly sad and Kara wished she hadn't been the one to cause him pain. Was that really all she was good for? The screw-up Kara Thrace who frakked first and thought later? Who pulled ridiculously stupid, asinine stunts in the belief that she was truly invincible? Who got stranded on planets, causing the fleet to waste fuel because the Commander and the CAG couldn't bear to leave her behind?

Gods, what was she thinking?

"Lee, I'm sorry," she murmured, unable to look at him again before turning to leave.

He didn't even let her touch the knob this time. "Kara, you go for that door again and I'll let you leave," he warned, his voice edged with a hint of frustration. "But I don't want you to go and something tells me, you don't want to go either."

"I don't," she admitted, eyes closing as she rested her forehead to the door. "But staying could be worse."

"How, Kara?" He turned her again and swept her back in his arms and Kara felt like one of those beautiful women in a romance vid. The ones she'd always loudly detested, but watched in secret when she needed a good cry. "How can staying be worse than walking out that door?" He caught her eyes with his and she gave him the smallest smile at the earnest look on his face. "How can staying be worse than walking away from this? Away from me?"

She bit her lip and inhaled sharply, worried the tears she'd been fighting before would win the battle. Then, she'd be humiliated for a whole other reason and she wasn't sure she could take it.

Gingerly, she laid her hands on his chest again, fingers toying with the sash that ran from his shoulder to his hip. Focusing on the pins at his collar, she said quietly, "I can't lose you."

"And you think us sleeping together is going to make me turn away from you?" he asked, his voice still soft, but clearly incredulous. "Kara, you know me. I don't frak random women and then dump them. That's—"

"More my style," she said, feeling a bit of her resolve returning, allowing her to look up and meet his eyes. "Right? Isn't that what you were going to say?"

He sighed and hung his head and Kara saw a flash guilt on his face before he could conceal it. "Kara …"

"No, it's okay, Lee. I know I've got a reputation. I worked pretty hard to get it actually." She stepped away again, but this time, instead of heading for the door, she crossed to the other side of the room and took a seat in one of the few chairs left in the space. It wasn't comfortable, but her knee was starting to ache and she was suddenly, exceptionally tired.

But she hoped Lee could understand the importance of her stepping away from the door. Now, if anybody left first, it'd be him.

"Why is that, Kara?" he asked quietly, turning to face her, but not approaching. "Why do you—"

"Frak around?" she asked with a bitter smile. She glanced down to her dress smoothing the fabric in her lap and suddenly realized she was going to cry. She watched the first tear hit the blue fabric, creating a dark blue circle where it fell. She hoped it wouldn't stain.

Inhaling a shaky breath, she didn't look up, but answered him softly, "You know why, Lee."

She fully expected him to leave, fully anticipated going back to her rack tonight alone and crying until she was hoarse and red and puffy. A few more tears fell, but they were quiet and she figured in the dim light of the room Lee wouldn't be able to see them. If he did, he'd stay. Lee could never pass up a damsel in distress. He'd stay even if it was the last place he wanted to be.

Kara continued to stare at the floor, wondering why she had frakked this up so badly. Just thirty minutes ago, she'd been ready to sleep with Lee until reveille and now, she'd given him every reason not to do it. She'd practically opened the door for him, it wouldn't take much now for him to escape.

She started slightly as she felt his hands clasp hers in her lap. Forgetting about her tears and the way she must look, she glanced up at him as he knelt before her, an equally pained expression on his face.

"What do you want, Kara?" he asked her again and this time, the answer was there.

"I want to stop frakkin' around," she admitted softly, swallowing hard to keep her voice from cracking. "I want to be important to someone." She stopped again to take a deep breath and realized she might as well kick in the thrusters—there was no point in doing any of this if she wasn't willing to risk it all. "I want to be important to you."

Shocked at such an admission, she felt more tears fall unbidden down her cheeks before ducking her head so she wouldn't have to see Lee and the laughter that was no doubt evident on his face. How could she think she had any chance of Lee—

"Kara." His hands, rough and gentle, cupped her cheeks again and lifted her face to meet his. Her breath caught in her throat as she saw tears reflected in his eyes. "You already are important to me," he whispered, sitting up on his knees so their faces were level. "You're more important to me than anyone," he added before leaning forward and pressing a kiss to her mouth.

Kara's shock faded as Lee kissed her harder, telegraphing in his touch just how much he meant his last statement. Realizing that maybe for the first time in their lives they were on the same page, Kara wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled herself out of the chair, sinking down onto her knees. Now, they were level and when Lee pulled away to catch a breath, he was smiling.

And so was Kara.


	2. Scar

Series: Kara Stands Still, Part 2

Title: Scar

Rating: NC-17

Pairing: Lee/Kara

Spoilers: Anything up to and including "Scar"

Summary: How might things have been different between Kara and Lee if she hadn't run away from him in Scar?

A/N: This is fluffy and smutty. That's all I can really say.

Thanks again to everyone who commented on the first part. Hopefully, parts three and four won't be so long in coming!

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Kara knew the minute she left it was the wrong thing to do. In fact, out of all the wrong things she'd done that evening, and the list was lengthy, leaving Lee in the bunkroom, after having slapped him and then kissed him, was by far the worst.

She only made it as far as the head before stumbling into an empty stall and retching up the Chief's moonshine. It stung as much coming up as it did going down and Kara was grateful when she finally stopped heaving and could clean her mouth out with water. It tasted metallic, but at least it didn't scorch her throat.

Glancing into the mirror above the sink, Kara sighed heavily at the face that greeted her. What was she doing? True, she had told Lee, point blank, she had no idea; had no idea of what she wanted. She'd thrown Anders in his face—big surprise—and that had angered him enough to lash out.

Which, in that moment, was exactly what she wanted. It wasn't what she wanted anymore.

Wetting a cloth, she washed her face and rinsed her mouth out again, before turning around and heading back to the bunkroom. This was ridiculous; she was punishing Lee because she felt she needed to punish herself; because she would never be good enough for anyone just as her mama had always said.

She didn't want to hear Socrata's voice in her head anymore. She didn't want to believe those hateful words that had scared and angered her as a child. She wasn't a child now. She just had no idea if Lee would forgive her.

Kara opened the hatch quietly, worried that if Lee heard her coming, he'd think of a reason to leave. He might have left already. Taking a deep breath, she pushed the door open the rest of the way and stepped inside, shutting it behind her, before turning to look.

He was still there, thankfully, sitting at the table in the middle of the room, staring at nothing. He'd put his tanks back on for which Kara was grateful. The man's body was distracting, especially as her skin still tingled from the sense memory of it pressing against her.

Standing at the door, she waited for him to acknowledge her. After the count of a hundred, when he had yet to speak a word, Kara finally broke the stalemate. "I'm sorry," she said quietly, glad her voice didn't break as she spoke. "I'm really sorry, Lee."

He sighed heavily, but didn't look at her. "I don't want you to be sorry, Kara," he said tiredly, eyes focused on the table. "I just want you to stop messing with me. If you want Anders, then find a way to go get him. If you want—"

"I want you," she managed, speaking so quietly she was uncertain if Lee had heard her. However, as he rose abruptly and crossed the space between them again, standing only a hands-breath away, she knew he had.

"Then what was this?" he asked, voice no longer edged with anger. Cupping her cheeks in his hands, he tilted her face up so he could meet her eyes and asked, "What was this, Kara?"

"Lee." His name was a sigh and she closed her eyes against the intensity burning in his. She didn't see him move forward just a few inches, didn't know he was going to kiss her until she felt his lips back on hers.

She sighed against him, leaning into his chest, hands resting on his shoulders. He kissed her so sweetly and with such tenderness it brought tears to her eyes. She had to stop this. Wanting someone and deserving them were two totally different things. Why couldn't Lee understand?

Breaking the kiss, she leaned away from him, averting her eyes so she wouldn't have to see the disappointment on his face. "I want to try this, Lee, I do," she told him softly, her words coming from a well of honesty she'd thought long buried. "But I'm not … I can't be what you need," she admitted. A wayward tear leaked from the corner of her eye and she brushed it away hurriedly, worried it was the start of a torrent. "You know I can't. You know I'm not—"

"What, Kara?" Lee hadn't backed away, hadn't removed his hands from her face and she was amazed at the warmth he infused her with. "What aren't you? Because I'll tell you something; I've thought about this for a lot longer than just tonight and I know you're right for me."

She snorted a laugh, knowing that if she didn't use some sarcasm to deflect his statement, she'd start crying in earnest. "Come on, Lee. That's just wishful thinking. Look at what just happened." She finally lifted her eyes to his face, breath catching in her throat at the absolute adoration that met her. "I'm a basket case and me being a screw-up isn't fair to you. I'll just mess this up."

He laughed this time, a wry chuckle that worried her. "Gods, Kara, you really don't trust me."

Lee finally took a step away, dropping his hands to his sides, forcing her to lean against the door at her back. Turning, he paced around the table, hands raking through his hair and sending it up in all directions. Kara bit her lip to keep from smiling; he looked about ten with his hair mussed like that.

"Do you really think I'd let you mess this up?" Lee asked, wiping the small smirk from her face and forcing her to study her feet once more. "Kara, why can't you trust that if you start to screw up, I'll tell you? Why can't you trust that some things are bigger than you and that maybe we'll work because we were meant to?"

"Okay, first of all, I don't trust easily, if at all," she retorted, feeling some anger working its way into her blood at his condescension. "And secondly, tell me when you've shown me that if I royally screw up, you'll still be there."

His face flushed a deep shade of red, before he glanced to his feet. Kara felt vindicated, but no less bereft at the small victory. "Exactly. So, don't expect me to just assume us having a good frak is going to change anything."

"I don't want a good frak, Kara," Lee told her, his own voice a little hot with frustration. "I want to make love to you. I want to be in a relationship with you."

"Which is why this won't work!" She was crying now, angry tears, but tears all the same and it shamed her. Gods, ever since they'd started hunting Scar—no, ever since the Pegasus, her emotions had been all over the map. She wanted to blame it on Anders, but she knew it had more to do with Lee. They'd been doing so well, until his spacewalk, and now, the fractured state of their relationship just made her hurt.

"Why?" Lee's own anger had taken over and she could tell he was doing everything in his power not to shake her for answers. He kept the table in the middle of the room between them, hands clenched into fists at his sides as he stared at her. "Why won't this work, Kara? Do you love Anders?"

She gulped a breath, unprepared for so blunt a question. But the answer was easy. "No."

Rounding the table, Lee approached her and she tensed, worried he would take a swing. She knew she'd pushed him too far tonight. She knew she probably deserved it. "Do you love me?" he asked, voice dropping to a deadly growl that excited and unnerved her all at once.

Kara swallowed hard. "It doesn't matter, Lee," she told him, knowing he wouldn't accept that for an answer.

She was right. "Yes, it does. So tell me Kara; do you love me?"

Kara took a deep breath and looked into his eyes. The depth of emotion there just about knocked her off her feet, but she did her best to shore up as much inner strength as she could. Her next statement would either repulse Lee or bring him closer.

"The last time I loved somebody, he got killed, because I screwed up," she said evenly, watching as his eyes widened with recognition. "And that almost killed _me_." Before he could respond, she added, "You are my wingman and we rely on each other to survive. I won't risk your life."

She watched him closely, wondering if referencing Zak in this discussion would finally enable him to understand how serious she was. She didn't know what else would.

"Kara, I—" He sighed heavily, eyes searching her face as if the rebuttal he needed could be found there. She knew it wasn't; she knew she was right.

"Zak wasn't meant to fly, Kara," Lee told her softly. "You know that. And you also know that regardless of how you rated him, he would have gotten into a cockpit one day. The son of 'Husker' Adama doesn't wash out of flight school."

She'd heard that argument before, but Kara still wasn't sure she believed it. Holding on to her guilt about Zak's death had been one of the only things that gotten her through the past few years. Knowing she owed the Old Man, knowing she had to do everything she could to honor his youngest son's memory, had often been the only reason she'd gotten out of her rack.

She started as he laid his hands on her shoulders, again bringing his body exceptionally close to hers. The intensity in his eyes stole her breath once more and she waited, knowing that she'd have to resist the logic in whatever he said next. She couldn't risk the fall-out of loving him.

"And you're right—you are my wingman and when we fly together, I know I'm coming back home. I know that, no matter what happens, you've got my back and if I break my ship, you'll pull some insane stunt to save my ass," he added with a smirk, causing Kara to smile as well. Wedging her ship into Apollo's during their first dogfight together had been one of her crazier, and more innovative, moves.

"But, Kara, I'm pretty sure the reason we take such good care of each other in the air, is because it's the only place we're allowed."

She looked at him as he told her, "And I don't think that if we started something, we'd become careless. If anything, I'd think we might become more careful," he said, squeezing her shoulder slightly. "Because you always have to come home. I have to keep you safe."

Stunned probably wasn't a strong enough word. Kara was speechless, watching as Lee simply held her gaze, eyes blinking rapidly to dispel some of the moisture that had formed there. Her heart was beating so fast and so hard she was surprised he couldn't see the movement through her tanks. Was there really a chance this could work? Was there really a chance she could trust this? Trust Lee?

She sighed, closing her eyes as a few more tears fell down her face and she leaned forward, resting her forehead against his shoulder. She already trusted Lee with her life; what was her heart in comparison to that?

She met his eyes again, knowing they'd be almost impossible to resist. She was right. Lee wanted her, wanted her for more than sex. He wanted it to mean something more. For the first time in a long while, Kara wasn't scared of "something more." Just of losing it.

With a sigh, Kara pressed her body along the length of Lee's, tilting her face up so her lips caught his. He responded instantly, silencing any of her lingering fear. His hands again cradled her cheeks, his touch gentle as his tongue slowly explored her mouth.

Even as Kara kissed Lee back, her heart pounded traitorously. This wasn't a good idea—it never would be regardless of Sam or Zak or Dee, Kara knew that she and Lee together would lead to heartache. And as much as she wanted him, she wouldn't use him. A nameless, faceless enlisted, sure, but not Lee. Not like this.

She pulled away from his mouth with difficulty, already feeling the heat on her skin from where his hands had drifted down her shoulders and around her waist, their bodies once again pressed tightly together. There was also the undeniable pulse between her legs and Kara bit her lip hard to keep from giving in.

"Kara?" Lee panted, lips still trailing over her skin, brushing along her cheek and into her hair. "What is it?"

"We …" She had to stop and take another breath as his teeth nipped at her earlobe. Gods, but that felt good. Clearing her throat, she tried again. "I can't do this to you, Lee."

His movements froze and Kara swallowed hard, blinking back sudden tears. She could feel the cold detachment settling across his skin and it chilled her to the core.

Slowly, Lee pulled away, dropping his arms from her waist and taking two steps back until he leaned on the edge of the table. He was so pale Kara worried he might be sick.

With those devastatingly blue eyes that had talked him out of trouble dozens of times before, he stared at her and whispered, "You really don't love me."

His level of misunderstanding and disappointment brought a flare of her earlier anger back and she shouted, "Of course, I love you, you idiot! That's why I'm doing this!"

Chest heaving with a mix of conflicting emotions, she didn't even let him get a word in before admitting, "I can't make you any promises, Lee. And the idea of hurting you more than I already have—" A sudden lump in her throat stopped the words and Kara ducked her head, again fighting tears.

"What kind of promise do you think I want, Kara?" The fact that he didn't sound angry was probably what unnerved her the most.

Toeing the decking at her feet and avoiding his gaze, she shrugged. "I dunno."

She heard him stand, felt him approach as the heat from his body infused hers. With a soft brush of the lips, he kissed her shoulder and whispered, "Do you love me?"

His breath tickled her cheek and she shivered in spite of herself. "Yes," she whispered, finding her body moving imperceptibly toward Lee's.

Another graze of his lips along the shell of her ear had goose bumps springing up along her arms. "Do you want to be with me?"

As his lips trailed kisses from her temple to her forehead, she murmured, "Yes."

Their bodies were once again achingly close and Kara's hand involuntarily wrapped around his bicep as he tugged her tight to him. "If we do this," he began, lips floating just an inch from hers. She stared at them, waiting for him to finish the question. As seconds ticked by and the flush along Kara's skin heightened, she again raised her eyes to his and was completely floored by what she saw there. It was so far beyond love, Kara wasn't sure a word even existed to describe it.

"If we do this," Lee began again, eyes searching hers. "Will you still be there in the morning?"

Let the Gods call her selfish and weak, but Kara knew she wouldn't leave the warmth and safety of Lee's arms until he kicked her out. "Yes," she sighed, finally leaning forward and pressing their lips together.

His hands were in her hair, the band holding it back discarded as he weaved his fingers through and cradled her scalp. Kara returned the favor, holding tight around his shoulders with one arm, while her other hand traveled to the back of his head and grabbed the short strands of hair just hard enough.

He smiled against her lips and Kara found herself returning the expression. Lee's arms moved from around her waist and trailed down her backside. Kara knew what he wanted and gave a little jump, wrapping her legs around his waist, his arms holding her tightly against him in this new position, never breaking their kiss.

Lee spun them around quickly, pushing Kara's back into the nearest bulkhead. As she shivered at the feel of cold metal on hot skin, she quickly forgot any discomfort as Lee's very aroused body ground into her.

She knew it wouldn't take them long to return to their aroused state of only an hour ago, but even Kara was surprised by how hot and wet she was for him after only a few kisses.

Kara let out a moan against his mouth as Lee managed to balance her with one arm and moved his free hand to cup her breast, squeezing gently through her tanks. Gripping his shoulders tightly, she recommitted to her assault on his mouth. Already she'd been doing her best to leave no corner unexplored, but she delved her tongue in deep, licking past his teeth and finding his tongue ready for the challenge.

When breathing became a necessity, she broke away long enough to replant her lips on the side of his neck and suck. She grinned as the hand on her breast tightened, fingers working the nipple with a mix of pleasure and pain. She was marking him and it turned him on.

Another thrust of his hips had her gasping as his cock rubbed her right there and her head fell back as Lee hit the same spot again. Gently lowering her to the ground, he used his new mobility to grab the hem of her tanks and pull them off, her bra following. She divested him of his tanks too, unable to resist running the flat of her tongue from between his pecs, up along his clavicle until her lips were back on his.

As she kissed him again with abandon, his arms slid around her waist, hands sliding into the back of her shorts and taking a firm hold of the skin there. Not to be outdone, Kara allowed one hand to drift to Lee's crotch and squeeze.

And that's what finally caused him to pull back. "Kara," he panted, barely able to get out her name as she worked at the fastening of his cargos.

"Yeah?" she asked with a lick to the underside of his jaw as her hand finally reached warm, ready flesh and took him in hand.

"Uhh." His statement ended in a stutter as she gently pulled on him, the silky feel of aroused skin making her own body ache in anticipation.

Not letting go, she worked his cargos and underwear down to his knees. Eyes closed, Lee seemed lost in this moment of pleasure and Kara was proud to know she'd caused it.

Releasing her hold, she pressed a lingering kiss to his mouth, swallowing his groan of disappointment before pulling away slowly, ready to make him come calling her name.

But before she could make it to her knees, he'd grabbed her shoulders and kissed her hard. "Later," he murmured, continuing to kiss her as he kicked off his shoes and cargos.

She smiled again, the expression quickly turning to a moan of want as two of his fingers found her heat and slowly circled it, arousing her even more. She lost track of reality for a few minutes as Lee's hand worked against her. Her body hitting the mattress of a bunk was the next thing she registered and she opened her eyes to find Lee's glorious naked body over her. He met her gaze and smiled—the sweet smile he saved for her—before trailing kisses down her body. When he got to her shorts, he eased them down, uncovering her heated skin inch by inch and covering each newly exposed patch with a kiss.

As his mouth closed over her clit, Kara's body bowed off the bed, a cry of delight she couldn't contain echoing through the room.

Meeting Lee's eyes as he studied her enthusiastic reaction, she smirked before wrapping her hands around his biceps and bodily pulling him up. "Later," she whispered, pressing her mouth to his. If he didn't want to be pleasured by her mouth, she certainly didn't want to be pleasured by his. She wanted all of him consuming her.

He was sliding into her before she could catch her breath and again Kara threw her head back, arching into him and pulling him deeper, making them both moan. Her legs came up and around his waist, her arms holding him tight, afraid that now that she had something so good, so perfect, someone would take it away.

She let out another moan, embarrassed when it sounded closer to a sob. Lee's lips against her temple just made her hold tighter.

"Kara, it's okay," he murmured. "I'm here, Kara. I love you."

She relented her grip just a tad, opening her eyes to meet his, finally unashamed of how deeply she felt for this man. "I know," she murmured, cupping his cheek in her palm and drawing his lips back to hers for a slow kiss.

As their lips lingered against one another, Lee began to move in slow, even strokes that had Kara's body begging for release even as she wished for it not to end. Her orgasm overtook her and she would have been embarrassed at coming so quickly if Lee hadn't followed her a minute later. Considering how long they'd been waiting to do this, she figured such an explosion was inevitable.

His face buried in her neck, Lee rested on top of her for a moment, their bodies still joined, sweat cooling on their skin. Kara found her hand trailing lazily down Lee's back, making uneven patterns. She liked having him so close, liked the smell of him, strong and masculine and sexy.

And in these first few moments after, Kara was amazed to realize she wasn't afraid. She wasn't afraid of what would happen next or what Lee would say or what she was expected to do. Instead of that fear, which she'd felt with just about every frak (including Sam), she felt peace. She felt safe.

Which was just enough to make her tear up again. And of course Lee chose that moment to lift his head, the goofiest grin she had ever seen on his face before he caught sight of the moisture in her eyes. "Kara? You okay?"

She nodded, giving him a smile and kissing him to stymie any more questions. As they parted, he rolled to the side, their bodies separating and leaving Kara feeling lonelier than she'd anticipated. She'd never admit to anyone how grateful she was when he wrapped an arm around her shoulders and tucked her into him. As Lee pulled the sheet over them, Kara nestled against his chest, feeling warm and safe again.

They didn't talk for minutes. Instead, Lee's hand drifted up and down the arm she'd thrown around his waist while her hand played idly with his dog tags, fingers brushing the warm skin underneath. The freedom of being able to touch him like this was heady.

As Kara felt the slow pull of sleep, she tilted her face up, not surprised when Lee kissed her almost immediately. As they parted, she met his eyes and smiled. "I love you."

The smile he gave her in return was brighter than Caprica's sun. "I love you too, Kara," he whispered, kissing her again.

Settling against him, Kara knew she'd sleep better tonight than she had since returning from Caprica. Eyes closing of their own volition, she murmured, "Lee?"

His mumbled "hmm?" told her he was almost out too.

"Will you still be here when I wake up?" she asked, giving his waist a squeeze.

If it was possible, he pulled her tighter to him, dropping a kiss into her hair before he whispered, "Always, Kara."

And she finally slept.

----- -----

Kara hadn't been interested in the looks of sympathy and downright pity she'd received after reciting the names of her fallen comrades. She hadn't done it for that; she'd done it because they needed to be remembered; because no one deserved to be forgotten. Her squadron feeling sorry for her was an unfortunate and unwelcome byproduct.

She'd retreated to her bunk, closing the curtain and wrapping herself tight in the warmest blanket she had. Since they'd taken out Scar, Kara had been cold to the bone and now she was actually shivering.

So intent on staying warm, she didn't hear her curtain slide back, didn't even know Lee was there until he sat on the edge of her bunk, his warm hand drifting down her shoulder, tracing her side until it came to rest on her hip.

"Kara?" he whispered, leaning forward to press a lingering kiss to the corner of her mouth.

As much as she appreciated his presence and the warmth he radiated, Kara didn't feel like a frak. "Lee, I'm really not in the mood," she told him, knowing even as she said it she'd do anything he wanted just so he'd stay; just so she could be warm.

He sighed softly and then she heard the curtain close, Lee's body pressed along her back. She could see his face out of the corner of her eye, looking down at her, but she couldn't return his gaze.

He entwined his hand with hers and gave a squeeze. "That's not why I'm here, Kara." He rested his chin on top of her shoulder, obviously waiting for her to work something out. But her deductive reasoning skills just weren't working at the moment.

"Then why are you here, Lee?" she asked with a heavy sigh.

He actually chuckled softly before his lips touched her shoulder. "I'm here for you, Kara." He brushed some of her hair behind her ear and added, "I thought you might want some—"

Before he could finish, Kara turned toward him and wrapped her arms around him, clinging to him for the second time in as many days and once again, not caring how it looked or what people might think.

For his part, Lee didn't say a word, just returned her embrace, whispering comforting words until she was asleep, and keeping her warm through the night.

---- -----


	3. New Caprica

Series: Kara Stands Still – Part 3

Title: New Caprica

Pairing: Lee/Kara

Rating: PG

Spoilers: Everything up to and including "Unfinished Business"

Summary: How different might Lee and Kara's relationship been if she hadn't run from him the "morning after" on New Caprica?

A/N: Look what came pouring out me this afternoon? I hope you like it!

---- ----

Kara awoke and ran.

It wasn't very brave or all that dignified as she stumbled into her clothes, gaining as much distance from Lee and his promises as she could.

How could she have been that stupid? How could she have been that drunk?

She grimaced, buttoning her jacket against the early morning chill. Alcohol had nothing to do with what she'd said and done the night before. Alcohol didn't make people lie—if anything it loosened their tongues enough so they'd finally tell the truth.

She hit the edge of the camp intent on getting to Sam. If she looked at him again; if he gave her that big, easy smile, she'd be able to forget; be able to convince herself it was a lie; a vivid dream. But as she neared Joe's makeshift bar, catching sight of Anders' still prone form under a table, Kara stopped.

She stopped and stared at Sam snoring a dozen yards away and then turned to gaze in the direction she'd come.

And then she smiled.

---- ----

Lee was not happy to wake alone. For one thing, he'd been buck naked, his body exposed to the cool air with no heat from Kara's to stave off the chill.

Of course, dressing could fix that problem quickly enough, but it did nothing to ease his fear. His fear that everything Kara had said and done last night had been a lie and he was going to have to watch her go back to Anders, when Lee knew the only place she belonged was with him.

He was jogging as he neared the encampment, slowing the closer he got. Was she really going to pretend nothing he'd said, nothing she'd said had been real? Lee knew he wouldn't survive that. And what was worse, he knew any semblance of a friendship he had with Kara wouldn't survive it either. He'd lose her—for good.

He was pacing the outer edge of the camp, trying to decide what else he could do to convince her they were meant to be. He'd figured the mind-blowing sex and declarations to the night sky would do the trick, but again, he'd been wrong. Kara still didn't believe.

He'd already discarded half a dozen possibilities when he looked up and caught sight of her walking toward him.

---- ----

Kara had spotted Lee five minutes ago, watching as he paced, marveling at his range of movement even with the stick up his ass.

She resisted the urge to run to him because Starbuck was not that kind of girl, but she did quicken her pace as he finally caught sight of her.

Kara could tell the closer she got how nervous he was. His uncertainty almost made her doubt herself, but Kara refused to run away from this—from him. She'd tried it just an hour ago and failed miserably; she wouldn't do it again.

So, instead of hesitating, instead of showing shyness or trying to be coy, Kara strode up to him, wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him, swallowing whatever statement he'd started to make.

It only took him a second to respond, arms around her waist, tongue diving into her mouth, body pressed tightly against hers.

Parting for air, Kara gazed at him, realizing her smile was ridiculously wide and not caring. She was actually happy and while the emotion was pretty foreign, she was trying to go with it.

Lee's own smile was tempered with worry and Kara waited for him to ask whatever he needed to. "You were gone when I woke up," he finally admitted, hand cupping her cheek as he held her gaze.

Smiling wider, Kara gave him a quick peck and told him, "I had things to do, Apollo. Go to the bathroom, grab some coffee, break up with Anders."

Lee's hands held tight to her shoulders at this last statement. Taking a deep breath, he asked, "You did it?"

She grinned. "Yep. He wasn't too happy about it, but he didn't seem too surprised either." Kara paused, noting the somewhat dumbfounded expression on Lee's face. Not the reaction she'd wanted or expected which was what finally made Kara doubt herself. "That's what we agreed to, right?" she asked as casually as possible, trying to disregard how furiously her heart was pounding.

Lee's only answer was to kiss her again, stealing her breath and swallowing her fears as he reaffirmed their decision from the night before. Kara allowed herself to enjoy the moment, allowed herself to feel giddy again, even allowed herself to remember Lee's shouted declaration of love.

Panting slightly as they parted, Lee rested his forehead to hers and whispered, "I'm sorry I made you doubt me. I just—"

"Didn't think I'd actually do it," Kara finished for him, fingers playing idly with his unbuttoned uniform jacket. "I figured, that's why I did it first thing," she added, meeting his gaze and admitting, "So you'd know I was serious last night too."

He kissed her again or she kissed him, it was impossible to tell. They kissed until the sun rose and the camp awoke, almost retreating to their secret clearing, but knowing they didn't have the time. They didn't stop kissing until the sound of a Raptor breaking atmo got their attention. Glancing up, watching the ship get bigger, Kara made out the Peggy's designation on her underside and knew it was time for Lee to have a talk with Dualla.

Stepping back from him, she straightened his jacket, smoothing her hands down the front of his chest. "Better get a move on, Apollo. I do believe there's a petty officer who needs to be let down easy."

She turned to leave, not wanting Lee to see how frightened she was that he might back out. Kara worried one teary look from Dualla might have him taking it all back. She was only mildly surprised when Lee grabbed her hand and pulled her back.

Cupping her cheeks in his hands, he placed a gentle kiss on her lips and said, "I'll only be a few minutes."

She smiled, forcing her momentary spike of fear back to her subconscious. She knew Lee would do this and then they'd be together.

"Come and find me," she said with a nod, brushing another kiss to his cheek before watching him head to the just landing raptor.

As Kara stood there in the morning sun on this new planet watching him walk away, she felt a moment of peace and maybe even hope. It'd been quite a while since she'd had reason to feel either.

---- ----

A/N 2: As it happened with my "Lee Steps Up, New Caprica" installment, this fic has inspired another, longer fic. I have it outlined, but not written and I'm not sure when that will happen, but I probably will get around to putting pen to paper soon and posting it. Like "Captive," it will deal with the Cylon Occupation of New Caprica and Kara's incarceration with Leoben. But it will be Lee/Kara.


	4. Demetrius

Series: Kara Stands Still

Title: Demetrius

Pairing: Lee/Kara

Rating: PG-13/R

Spoilers: Everything up to "Revelations" in Season 4

A/N: This isn't an essence a redo of a moment when Kara ran away. In truth, she didn't have much of a choice at the point where this story begins, but hopefully you'll see why I chose it and think it fits as much as I do with the series.

I really hope you like this and thanks for all the great comments I've received on the other parts. I really did have a good time writing it and hope that my next Lee/Kara fic isn't so long in coming!

TamSibling

----- ----

Something was missing.

Kara watched Athena and Karl as they hurried through the Raptor's pre-flight. She understood the need to act quickly; understood that the Old Man was taking a huge risk in trusting her and that secrecy was paramount to avoiding a mutiny.

Kara understood she was lucky to get this chance; understood she was lucky to have people who would still follow her; lucky to have Helo on her side despite all the evidence stacked against her.

But something was wrong.

As Sharon radioed for clearance, Karl finally glanced back, frowning at her standing in the middle of the ship. "Better take a seat, Starbuck," he warned, turning front once more. "Athena's good, but she's not that good."

"Hey," the pilot protested, swatting her husband's arm playfully. As Helo flashed her his most winning grin and Sharon returned it, Kara finally realized what was missing.

"We have to make a stop," she blurted, moving to stand between the seats as the platform lowered them into the tube.

Helo frowned. "What?"

"There's something I need to do," she told him, grabbing the bulkhead above to keep steady.

Shooting his wife a questioning gaze, Helo turned to face her. "Kara, what are you talking about? The Old Man gave us a mission. The Demetrius is expecting us, we don't have time to make a pit stop."

Kara closed her eyes as the ship accelerated, shooting out of the tube and into space. Her insides quivered with anticipation, while she took her first deep breath in what felt like ages.

Opening her eyes, she looked at Karl, feeling complete calm. "Helo, please." As her friend stared at her, lips pursed into a thin line of disapproval, Kara knew he'd do it.

Just to be sure, she added quietly, "I can't leave him again without a word."

Scowling, Karl gazed back out the canopy, muttering a curse under his breath, before telling Sharon, "Change course for Colonial One. I have no idea how we're going to keep this quiet," he added. Looking to Kara, he ordered, "Ten minutes, that's it. I shouldn't even give you that."

With a smile of gratitude and relief, Kara squeezed his shoulder. "You're a good friend, Karl," she told him before taking a seat at the ECO console.

Scowling, Helo turned back to his controls. "I'm a sucker is what I am."

---- ----

Despite her shady reputation since her return, Kara had no problems getting directions to Lee's rack. The few marines she encountered still offered her a salute and were more than happy to point the way, no questions asked. She wondered if they acted out of respect or fear. Starbuck had managed to garner both in the past.

She hesitated at his door, knowing it was ridiculous given her timetable. It'd taken her three minutes to find him and even sprinting back to the hangar it'd take her at least a minute, maybe ninety seconds, to traverse the ship.

Six minutes, that was all she had. It wouldn't be enough.

Stuffing down her anxiety, she rapped quickly on the door, glad that delegates had private quarters. She counted to ten, feeling the inexorable ticking of the clock and was about to knock again when the wheel spun and the hatch swung open revealing a very sleepy Lee in sweats and a tank.

He was wiping sleep from his eyes and had yet to look at her. "What?" he growled.

Kara waited until he'd blinked again and watched the recognition dawn on his face. In seconds, he'd pulled her inside, shut the door and wrapped his arms around her. She returned the embrace, grateful for the comfort only Lee seemed able to provide since her return, but knowing it would make it nearly impossible for her to walk out that door when her time was up.

"Kara," he breathed, lips against her hair. "What are you doing here?"

She swallowed hard, uncertain where to start. With limited time, she figured she might as well get down to it. "I came to say goodbye," she told him, voice muffled from where she'd tucked her head against his neck.

He tensed instantly, leaning back far enough to meet her eyes. Suspicion and pain were reflected in his. "What do you mean?"

Taking a deep breath, she straightened, but didn't remove herself from his embrace. She was going to stay as close as she could for the next four and a half minutes.

"Your dad's giving me a chance," she said, wishing she felt steadier. Even with Lee's warm arms around her, she felt off kilter, as if very few things around her were real; as if maybe she wasn't real. Swallowing back the fear such a thought brought to the surface, she continued, doing her best to keep her voice from shaking. "He's giving me a ship and a small crew. He wants me to find Earth."

Lee studied her closely and while Kara knew they were running out of time, she would wait for him to form his own conclusion. His eyes searching hers, he leaned forward to brush a kiss to her forehead before turning from her and grabbing for his duffel under the bed. "Just give me five minutes," he told her, opening his locker and reaching for his clothes.

"I only have three," she murmured, heart sinking as she realized what she'd have to do. Lee ignored her, crossing back to his bed and shoving his extra tanks inside.

Taking a deep breath, Kara stepped forward and placed a hand on his shoulder, forcing him to stop and turn toward her. "Lee, you can't go."

The pain on his features hurt her more than she thought possible and she almost gave in. But then she thought of the Admiral and how much of a risk he was taking and knew she couldn't drag Lee into it.

"You've got to stay with the fleet," she told him, running her hands down his arms and twining their fingers together. "You've got to stay here and make sure things are okay."

"No, Kara." He squeezed her hands so hard she worried she'd have bruises. His blue eyes, so intense, bored into her, making her nervous and excited all at once. "My place isn't with the fleet." Resting his forehead to hers, he said in a whisper, "My place is with you."

Gods, how she wished that were true. "Lee," she sighed, voice heavy with tears she knew she shouldn't cry, but feared she would anyway. "Please, don't fight me on this." With a soft smile, she looked up at him and teased, "I'm trying really hard to be noble here. If you push me, I'll cave."

He returned her grin and her heart did that strange fluttery thing it always did when he looked at her like that. "Good, then my plan is working," he murmured, drawing their faces close together before pressing a lingering kiss to her lips. It was so different than the one they'd shared in the brig a day ago. While that one had been full of desperation and need, this kiss was full of hope and longing. Regardless, the feel of Lee's lips on hers had Kara's knees shaking and she pulled away quickly, breathing heavily and blinking back tears as she stared at the ground.

"I'm sorry, Lee," she told him as one wayward tear worked its way down her cheek. She knew her ten minutes were up, but her feet wouldn't move. Glancing up to him, she said softly, "I wish you could come. I want you there, but you've got to stay here, look after the Old Man, make sure Zarek doesn't stage a coup. This isn't your fight."

When he didn't offer further argument, Kara knew he'd realized she was right. Stepping toward her again, Lee's hand caressed her cheek before working its way into her hair, cupping the back of her head and pulling her into his arms again. "I know. I just … I just got you back."

She nodded, unable to trust her voice. She let him hold her again, but only for a handful of seconds before she pulled away and kissed him softly. "Here," she told him, holding out the small gold statue he'd given her just the day before. "Hang on to it for me," she said softly, catching his smile before she gave his hand a quick squeeze and turned to leave.

"Kara." She paused with her hand on the door, praying whatever he said wouldn't make this harder. "Be careful out there," he told her quietly.

With a grin, she glanced back to him and said, "Good hunting, is what you say." As his smile deepened, she added, "I'll see you in sixty days," and then she left quickly before her heart won the battle over her head and she stayed.

---- ----

She shouldn't have slept with Sam. She knew that. Kara hated herself for her weakness almost as much as she hated the fact that Sam had fallen for her bullshit act and given in. He'd left a few minutes ago, looking at her with hurt and pity in his eyes as she kicked him out. She'd scrubbed herself at the small sink her quarters, scrubbed until the skin on her neck and arms was red, but she knew it wouldn't erase what she'd done.

Her tears blended with the sweat pooled on her face as she leaned against the basin, head down, shoulders shaking. It had been stupid, but she'd needed … She'd needed to feel real. She'd thought a quick frak would do the trick; thought the feel of skin on skin and Sam's warm body sliding into her would make her solid, would ground her, would take away this feeling that she might, at any moment, fly apart into a million pieces or vanish without a sound.

But it didn't work. When it was done, she felt even more nebulous than she had before. And, to make it worse, she felt guilty for using Sam that way. For betraying Lee.

She threw her washcloth into the sink and reached for new clothes. As she tugged them on, she pushed her hair out of her face and turned back to the maps and star charts she had strewn across the small quarters.

As she picked her way back to her workspace, she tried to rationalize her actions. It wasn't a betrayal, not really. She was technically still married to Sam, although she'd heard the rumors that someone else had been warming his rack in the months she'd been gone. And she and Lee, while sharing pregnant pauses and gazes full of meaning hadn't made any promises to each other. She wanted to—she wanted Lee to want her, she wanted to be allowed to want him back—but she didn't know if even after all of this, that would be possible.

But the fact remained that Lee was the only person who made her feel real. He could restore her faith in herself with one touch, while sex with Sam had made her feel worthless.

A knock on the hatch startled her and Kara grimaced, praying it wasn't Sam coming back for an explanation or even worse, seconds. "Come," she called, burying her head in her work, hoping it would convince whoever it was to leave her alone.

"Kara."

Releasing a sigh, she looked up and greeted Karl. "What's up, Helo?"

His face twisted into a decidedly unattractive expression and Kara tensed. "What exactly did you do to Anders?"

She felt her cheeks blush hot. "Nothing he didn't want me to," she retorted, mad she should feel shame at all. "What's it to you?"

"He just stormed into the mess and punched Hot Dog."

Kara actually laughed out loud. "Helo, Hot Dog probably had it coming, let's be honest."

"Kara—"

"Look, Helo, I've got a lot of work to do and I don't think my relationship with my husband is anyone's concern, but mine."

She really hoped that would send him packing, but he didn't leave, standing by the door, arms crossed over his chest as she tried to go back to work. She ignored him for about a minute, before his presence unnerved her. "What?" she snapped.

This time, instead of frowning at her or scowling, he simply held out a folded piece of paper. "This came in with the last packet of info from Galactica. It's for you."

Kara shrugged. "It's probably some kind of new order or something from the Admiral. You can read it."

Karl chuckled softly and Kara's eyes narrowed as he crossed the room and placed the piece of paper on top of her maps. "No, Kara. It's not from the Admiral."

Even more puzzled, she stared at the note, wishing her mind hadn't already jumped to a conclusion. Now she'd be disappointed when she opened it and the name she wanted to see hadn't signed it.

She knew it was stupid to be afraid of a note, but it took her a while after Helo left to work up the courage to open it. Kara sat back in her chair, folded paper held in both hands and closed her eyes. She wished she didn't care so much; she wished she didn't think it was some kind of sign that on the one day she'd felt more lost than she could remember, she might be getting some kind of message from the one person who could help her find her way.

She wished she didn't feel as if she'd shatter if the note wasn't from Lee.

This is ridiculous, Kara, she scolded herself and with a vengeance, opened the note, eyes scanning to the bottom. She released a heavy breath and read it over and over until her eyes misted with tears and she couldn't make out the words anymore.

_Zarek sucks as a wingman. I wish I was with you. Hurry home. Love, Lee._

---- ----

Day 62

---- ----

It wasn't until his father left that they got to see each other again. They'd barely shared a look when Kara had brought Natalie in to speak to the Quorum and now, Lee was president, Roslin was missing and the Admiral had decided the best way for him to pass the time was to wait in a raptor in deep space.

Yeah, this was all kinds of frakked up.

Hands on her hips, Kara placed her chin on her chest, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. She was only managing to keep control of her pilots by sheer force of will and she was getting tired. Hell, she'd been tired when she returned on the Demetrius—sixty days of little sleep, constant pressure and hardly any human contact really drained a person.

"Hey."

She glanced up quickly at the feel of Lee's hand over hers. Meeting his eyes, she saw pity and concern there and knew she couldn't give into it, not now. She couldn't afford to fall apart, especially with Tigh in charge and the Admiral gone. She had to be more Starbuck now than she ever had before.

Pulling back, Kara ignored the puzzled look on his features and said, "So, how's the presidency treating you?"

"Kara." He took another step forward and Kara held up her hand. Lowering her voice, she told him, "Lee, don't. I'm barely keeping it together, okay? And the wrong word from you …"

She swallowed hard past the sudden lump in her throat, ducking her eyes again so she could blink away the tears without Lee noticing. He had things to do and she had things to do and like it or not, they weren't the same anymore.

Forcing all of her emotion into the tiny compartment she'd formed for occasions just like this, she met his gaze and said steadily, "We should have a Raptor ready to take you to Colonial One in about an hour."

"Do you—" Lee swallowed, glancing about, noting that most of the deck crew was at a distance. "Do you have a few minutes to talk?"

"No." The hurt look on his face almost made her take it back, but she'd been serious before. The wrong—or right—word from Lee at this moment, would send her reeling. "I really can't, Lee," she admitted, holding his gaze, praying he'd understand.

He opened his mouth as if to protest again and then closed it, nodding instead. Turning toward the ready room, he told her, "I'll be waiting in there until the ship's ready."

Kara hated the slump to his shoulders and hated even more that she'd been the cause. "Hey." He turned sharply, obviously surprised by her call. "I'll see if I can get someone to cover my shift. I'll pilot you over."

His demeanor changed immediately, a small smile even managing to turn up the corners of his mouth. "I'd like that," he told her.

Taking a few backward steps into the hangar, she held Lee's gaze and told him, "I'll come get you when the shuttle's ready."

He nodded, eyes still on her even as she turned and made her way back to the flight deck, Kara forced herself to focus on the tasks before her, hoping she could find somebody to cover for her. Spending a few minutes alone with Lee on Raptor had suddenly become a necessity.

---- ----

Even though she'd gone to great lengths to be alone with him, Kara found herself unable to speak as she piloted the Raptor away from Galactica. Lee had taken the co-pilot's seat, but remained quiet as she went through the pre-flight and got clearance to leave the deck. As she input the course however, he placed a hand over hers, stilling her movements.

Meeting his eyes, with a questioning look, he told her, "Take the long way?"

Kara smiled, feeling relief that Lee wanted to spend this time with her too. "Sure. One scenic view coming up."

It took her a minute or two to change their course, being sure to swing them out and around the entire Fleet before reaching Colonial One. They'd just bought themselves about an hour of down time.

Setting the ship on auto-pilot, Kara released a sigh and caught sight of Lee out of the corner of her eyes. "So," she teased, needing to cut the tension. "Come here often?"

He actually laughed at her lame joke, before tugging on her hand. She rose from her seat and let him guide her into his lap. With his arms around her waist and her arms around his neck, Kara felt safe for the first time in a while.

Brushing his lips against her neck, he took a deep breath before saying, "It feels really good to hold you."

Kara sunk further against him with a slight moan of agreement. As one of Lee's hands squeezed her hip lightly, she turned her face into his neck and pressed a kiss to his skin. "I'll say."

More silence filled the ship and Kara didn't want to break it. She and Lee were in their own little bubble, out of space and time, separate from reality and she liked it. She didn't want to be thrust back into the cold, angry world they had left.

"Are you okay?" Lee finally whispered, lips against her cheek. The hand on her hip had started to make slow, lazy circles and Kara found herself almost drifting off. It had been so long since she'd slept well; so long since she'd woken up refreshed.

A small snort escaped Kara's mouth before she had time to control it. "What do you think?"

A small chuckle vibrated through Lee's chest and into hers. "I just thought I'd ask."

Kara nodded, but didn't say any more. Admitting the truth would break down any of the walls she'd managed to build in the past two months. She'd spent a lot of her time aboard the Demetrius trying to keep everyone and everything at bay. Of course, one prophecy from the hybrid had all that hard work crumbling. One word from Lee would have the same effect.

As if reading her mind, Lee asked, "Kara, what happened out there?" The warm weight of him against her was dizzying and Kara found her arms tightening around him of their own accord. "I've read some of the reports, but … What happened on the base ship?"

She shuddered. No matter what lies she'd told herself, Kara had known that's what Lee would want to know; it was what everyone wanted to know.

"According to the Cylon's hybrid, I'm going to destroy humanity," she told him, voice distant, hollow. She stiffened slightly in his arms as the words came, knowing at any minute she'd find her ass dumped on the floor; Lee would finally realize she was a poison; he would finally leave her for good.

But, even as her spine went straight, Lee's hand traveled up her arm and to her shoulder, squeezing gently. "Kara, that's ridiculous."

"Is it, Lee?" She met his gaze, sitting up, feeling an icy chill envelope her skin. "Think of all the things I've destroyed already. I'm pretty good at it."

"Bullshit, Kara." Lee's hands cupped her cheeks, holding her almost painfully tight, forcing her to meet his gaze. "The Hybrid is wrong, the Cylons are wrong. You are not going to destroy anything. I don't believe that."

"Then you're kidding yourself, Lee." She wanted to believe him, but she couldn't fall for the lie. Kara knew she couldn't keep deluding herself. She had to own up to the fact that she'd returned from the dead and somehow she'd come back wrong. And that meant everybody was in danger.

She wrestled herself out of his grasp and rose, almost falling as she tripped over his feet. Catching herself against the console, she stood up fast and retreated to the far wall of the shuttle. "I came back from the dead, Lee. You saw my ship blow up. I think I can lead us to earth, because I can hear a song in my head! The hybrid told me I am the harbinger of death! What other proof do you need?!?!? I'm no good, just like my mama always said."

"Damn it, Kara, when are you going to realize she was a bitter, abusive drunk who was jealous of her own daughter?" Lee's voice rang off the bulkhead and Kara actually blinked at him a few times, surprised by the vehemence of his statement. It appeared he was mad too. "And I don't know how it is that you came back. The day you disappeared, I thought—" Lee broke off for a second, muscle in his jaw twitching, signaling Kara he was fighting back some pretty strong emotions. Clearing his throat, he started again, voice softer, but still edged with something dark. "I thought my life was over that day, Kara. I thought I might as well have followed you into that storm, because there was no reason for me to be here without you."

Stunned, Kara didn't even register he was moving closer until his hands were on her shoulders, their faces only inches apart. "If you're asking me to believe that you coming back to us, back to me, was some malevolent act than you're out of luck. Because I don't care why or how you're here, just that you are. And I'll never believe that getting you back was a bad thing."

He was kissing her before she could form a retort and while everything in Kara told her she should end this, her heart refused to give in. Her heart wanted Lee; wanted to believe that he was right; wanted to believe that she was good and whole and that her return meant something divine, not devilish.

She just wanted to believe in something good.

Hands fisting into his suit jacket, Kara pulled her body tight to Lee's and deepened their kiss. It was more passionate than those they'd shared since her return and Kara felt her body sing from head to feet; she finally felt grounded, felt real, standing here, being kissed by Lee, kissing him back. Maybe she would be okay. Maybe they would be okay.

Lee's hands moved from her shoulders around her back, until he was holding her tight in his arms. Kara's arms moved as well and she felt a flare of desire burn in her gut as their bodies pressed intimately against one another. Breaking away to catch a breath, Kara pressed her forehead to his cheek and murmured, "I hated it out there."

His lips grazed her temple as he whispered, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry you had to go through that alone."

Her hands flexed on his shoulders, fingers digging into the fabric of his jacket, as if it were possible for them to get any closer. "I feel like I'm drowning, Lee. I can't catch my breath. Every decision I make is wrong." Her throat tightened and the sting of tears behind her eyes shamed her. Why couldn't she take a step these days without losing it? "I'm so tired," she finally whispered, a few silent tears falling from her lashes.

"I know," Lee whispered back, arms strong around her. "I know."

Kara didn't cry—not really. She only shed a few tears and by the time the proximity alert warned them they were on approach to Colonial One, her features were dry. Stepping back from Lee, she gave him a forced grin and turned to the pilot's seat. His hand around her wrist stopped her from getting very far. "When's your next shift?"

Puzzled, Kara said, "Well, since I got out of CAP today, I'm not scheduled again until 0800. I've got a shit-ton of paperwork to do though and a new schedule, plus—"

"Stay the night." Lee interrupted her, taking another step closer, his eyes once again boring into her own. Kara blinked once, before swallowing hard. But she didn't have an answer. So Lee repeated his request. "Please, Kara. Stay the night. We don't have to do anything, I just …" His finger traced along her lower lip and then his hand cupped her cheek. "I just want to be close to you."

She swallowed hard again. She knew she shouldn't. She knew Tigh expected her back and that her pilots were undisciplined enough without their CAG around to keep them in line. But Kara needed this. She needed Lee and for once in her entire frakked up life she was going to do something for herself.

"Okay," she told him, covering his hand against her cheek with her own. "Okay. But when I send you an empty flight schedule next week, you better find time among your presidential duties to get it done," she finished with a smirk, turning to radio flight control on Colonial One.

"Yes, ma'am." Lee gave her a salute and then laughed and Kara found herself suppressing a chuckle.

That night, long after Lee had sent his advisors away and Kara had told Tigh she'd be spending the night off Galactica, the two of them, President and Pilot, found themselves sharing the same space, breathing the same air. Bodies entwined, Kara finally cried the tears she'd been forced to hold in for so long while Lee held her. Wrapped around each other, Lee confessed his fear of failure while Kara reminded him there wasn't anything he couldn't do.

Closer than they'd ever been, in heart, body and mind, Lee and Kara finally admitted that no matter what happened in the coming days and weeks, they were fighting to end up here, in this place where there wasn't hurt or misunderstanding or pain between them. But where they could love and care and cherish each other for the rest of their lives.

When they finally made love, it was slow and sweet. Kara lost track of the minutes, lost track of anything around her except Lee and when she came she swore she saw that phantom Earth with its oceans and grassy meadows and birds in the trees. And that's when she knew they'd make it.

Kara wrapped her arms tighter around Lee, holding him close through his own climax and then, finally, sated, happy and content for maybe the first time ever, Kara Thrace and Lee Adama slept, safe in the arms of one another and dreaming of a bright and shiny future.


End file.
